Did you know there are 74000 searches for balloons every month in the UK alone? A MONTH! I wonder what a pile of that many balloons looks like.
Every time I scroll on my Facebook feed there they are again. Stalking me with their big fucking patronising colours and round inflated bellies. Another bobbing giant metallic no. 5; a birthday feast complete with balloons tied to chairs and stuck on walls. A balloon arch with its wide upside down leering smile. My fingers twitch with the desire to get a pin and start stabbing.
I mean you get the gist. I hate balloons. There, I bloody said it (mentally patting self on back for eco superiority).
The thing is, all this Eco Hypocrite sees is some of the worst type of pointless plastic waste as a circular representation of pure human stupidity.
Or maybe I’m just a mean bastard #shrugs
My anti-balloons campaign began around 4 years ago when I became woke and temporarily ran out of energy for my hatred for 4x4s. With a morbid realisation I looked at balloons in a matrix style moment of heightened reality. (side note; it was absolutely nothing to do with when my own children were over them).
It suddenly occurred to me; balloons are literally air and spit filled balls of rubber. Ribbon optional. That’s it! As for those fucking shiny metallic ones… OMG triggered.Tweet
Beyond making small children hysterical and red faced, they serve no other purpose than a disposable colourful backdrop that shows those viewing the photos it was a party. Aren’t smiling faces enough anymore God damn it? I mean really though – How has a spit and air filled ball become a representation of celebration as standard? I just don’t get it.
At this point I’d like to query the purpose of balloons by category (imagines self in court of law wearing suit made of hemp by Stella McCartney):
- Baby shower balloons – Pregnant mother belly mockery? Unborn foetus definitely doesn’t give a shit
- 21st Balloons – Last ditch attempt from parents at remembering their once was child. Get over it
- 1st Birthday balloons – I mean WHAT? A balloon for someone that can’t even read and doesn’t even know it’s their birthday? Bitch please
- 70th Birthday balloons – Grow up
- Abusive balloons – Passive aggression at its best – Insult your loved ones whilst destroying planet. How niche.
- Anniversary balloons – Celebrating the angst of marriage with physical representation of the bouncing yesterday youth soon to be replaced with saggy tits and bald patches
- Animal balloons – The irony – you do know balloons are animal killers? I think of these akin to teeth shaped sweets
I have not even begun my moanathon on actual balloon releases…(grits teeth)
Let’s be clear. Balloons are not some wild spirit that have been contained and need to be freed. It is not akin to releasing doves. They are not dolphins. Let’s just truth it up. Frankly balloon releases should renamed as ‘Air Littering’ because that my friend, is what it is.
I’m sure you don’t need me to point out that balloons can travel thousands of miles and end up in beautiful pristine places. The type of pristine places that should be reserved for nothing more than wide eyed awe, not wrinkly fucking bits of coloured rubber.
You only have to check the wall of fame on balloonsblow.org to see the pitiful sight of sea birds and animals alike falling prey to these plastic 3D rainbow arseholes. For more reasons about why balloons are crap – especially balloon releases – check out this article from Forbes
Because it’s not like we don’t have other options to show our photogenic happiness right? I’m not talking about the lies that are ‘biodegradable’ balloons (This is greenwashing lies at its pukeworthy best). Learn what happened after 16 weeks of burying degradable balloons in the ground here
Alternatives to balloons
Beckon forth your mini eco-guru to imagine your next partay being full of décor something radical. And by radical I mean not plastic.
There are some truly excellent ideas for Eco Friendly decorations that you might not have thought of yet. Of course, if you were really going to eco town, you’d definitely get imaginary brownie/greenie points from me for making DIY Eco Friendly Party Decorations out of stuff you found in your recycle bin… yeah okay… I actually said that out loud…
OR… like regular lazy eco hypocrites like me, you can buy them on Amazon! #middleground #ecohypocrite #hurray
Top 5 Eco Friendly Party Decorations
28 Piece Colourful Mexican Birthday Theme Decorations
Not a balloon in sight. Beautiful paper fans, pompoms in multiple colours, hanging swirly things, a string of paper balloons and a string of tissue paper garland. Even a happy birthday bunting banner. The only plastic in sight is the swirly things, but they can be reused for years and years to come. And all for under £15? This has to be one of the best Eco friendly birthday party decorations kits I’ve seen…
Know what people love even more than balloons? Bubbles My FRIEND…BUBBLES
Bubbles are cool. They even have bubble parties in clubs right? If it’s good enough for Ibiza, it’s good enough for Aunty Doris 90th Birthday.
A bubble machine like this one can totally rock your party.. kids will literally wear themselves out chasing bubbles all over the place and you can reuse that bubble machine until the cows come home.
These bubbles are like the don of bubbles. They are MASSIVE. Dr Zigs Giant Bubble Mix is a 1 Litre professional grade bubble mania. They are also made from a non toxic biodegradable solution which is palm oil free. Even the dogs can get involved. We like.BUY DR ZIGS GIANT BUBBLE MIX
Tasteful Paper Pom Pom Decoration
Pom poms Ahh lovely pom pom. Even the name is cute. These ever so tasteful pom poms are SO much prettier than evil balloons and come in neutral colours for the stylish eco soiree. Treat these bad boys well and you can bring them out to play again and again. Now I can’t stop saying pom pom.
And they literally come in every colour too.Elegant Tissue Paper Pom Poms in Neutral Peach Tones
These blue ones are lovelier than a cornflower on a summer’s day, just bring your merry self to your eco party with a look of smugness that even Jenny from over the road with her perfect matching outfit and primer face can’t compete with.
3 shades complete the look, with flowers and honeycomb pom poms to lift the mood. Easier to assemble than balloons too with included ribbon to help you hang them anywhere. Installation is super simple – just open it out and fluff it up.
Reusable (ALMOST) Plastic Free Pink Birthday Décor
For the girly girl types that MUST HAVE PINK. Here is your ultimate Eco friendly party décor that is reusable which instantly makes it better than crap balloons. I’m loving the Velcro sticking options which means no crappy plastic Sellotape needed to destroy your wallpaperReusable Birthday Party Decorations as Pink As You Could Wish For
There is no plastic packaging and this company are actively trying to reduce their landfill. In fact, the only plastic involved here are the foil streamers. UK designed, this pack includes a banner, mini bunting, a honeycomb ball, 2 honeycomb balloons, some honeycomb flowers, a couple of paper fans, a few foil streamers for the bling chasers and a circle banner thing.
I mean WHAT MORE DO YOU WANT? Bring on the pink stuff!
Just as Good As Balloons – Paper Lanterns
Here is another solution for the balloon addicts that just can’t let go *snarf*.
If you don’t want gold lanterns to James Bond your celebrations I mean you seriously need to have a word with yourself… just look at these
Eco party bags
If you want to go all out with Eco friendly party bags – how cute are these? You can personalise these with party child’s name and mini guests can enjoy the wildflower seeds that are plantable all year round. How nice to grow something that the bees will love as a memory of a lovely event?10 Wildflower Seed Personalised Birthday Favours
For little children, these box buddies are another great eco party bag fillers idea. I mean hey, they’re educational – showing how 3D shapes are made (hi-5) AND they’re cardboard, which means fully recyclable after they’re done playing.
These come in packs of 12 – available in animals, robots or space theme and are a cute 5cm tall when fully constructed.Box Buddies Pets – 12 Mini Box Animals
So I say we should all get our eco party planner hat on and just stop pretending we’re all still 7.
Imagine a world where we kept balloons for the toddlers who they’re made for and let’s face it, the only ones who piss their pants with excitement over a balloon these days.
I’d love to hear your thoughts – hit me with your comments – Should we ditch balloons for ever or should I stop being a party pooper?